Tyrant, buddy, friend. Welcome back. I know I owe you a favor for that nasty business a few centuries ago, and here I am to pay you back. No need to worry, I know I’m not the most trustworthy person but, hey, my help can’t hurt right? Look, to show willing, I’ve made you a little dossier on each of those adventurers you’ve had your eye on. You probably know most of this already, but I figure that even you can’t be everywhere at once. You can’t, can you? Anyway, I’ve been watching these guys for a while and, let me tell you, they’re really entertaining. Without further ado!
Köhler’s the leader of this merry little band and, in case you hadn’t noticed, she’s a fairy. One of those Sidhe you made back when you were ruling here, actually. Man, is that ironic. Your own creation, rising up against you and all that. Aren’t they supposed to not have souls? Doesn’t matter, since she obviously does. Weird.
Anyway, Köhler doesn’t seem like much, and if I know you it’s going to be all about how you can swat her at any time and all that drivel, but you probably shouldn’t just write her off. I don’t have to remind you about what she did to that storm giant zombie you were so proud of, do I? Not even mentioning how much damage she managed to do to you in that last fight. Damage, to you! Boy, that was hilarious.
I did some research, and nothing so far has really been able to take her out. I mean, I know that she’s like a bug and really easy to ignore, but it’s still impressive. At least a little. Right? Even Hannibal’s lightning just seemed to faze her a little bit. She makes friends easily too, lots of allies. Not the biggest threat to you, nah, but the little fairy’s something to watch out for.
Let me tell you, the paperwork for this broad is a mess. Her records all say Rinfanfannal, and her friends call her “Riwen”, which must be short for it. Weird name for a woman, though. Doesn’t suit her, yeah? Lacks elegance. Anyway, Rifnafnaffle here is going to be a pretty big problem. I don’t have to tell you she got Medegyl somewhere, and you know what’s going to happen if you lock swords with her in battle. ZAP! BOOM! That’d only be the beginning!
That whole bit aside, Riwen’s been a real pain in the metaphorical side of whatever it is she ends up fighting. From what I can gather, trying to hit her is like trying to punch the wind, and that sword of her stings. Well, of course it does, it’s Medegyl, but she’s doing some magic of some sort to make it hurt even worse. In a few cases, she’s just blown the opposition straight into pink mist. Entertaining to watch. Bad for us.
Doesn’t seem like she’d be very able to deal with the more subtle magics, though. I know that isn’t quite your specialty, you being the more giant-impressive-castle kind of mage, so I’d suggest getting some support and, maybe, just maybe, try to take her out before she gets any more powerful. I know you love to watch the little heroes run around and adventure and fight your minions, but y’know, I could take care of her at any time. Just say the word.
Kham Bloody Tsenkyo
Now just look at this guy. Hero of the freakin’ day. Kham Tsenkyo, singlehandedly saving the Golden Fist. Sacrificing himself to rescue his comrades. Makes me sick.
In all seriousness, though, Kham Tsenkyo’s powerful and clever and all that, but he’s a Wizard. Now I don’t want you to get a big head or anything, Mister Tyrant, but seems to me that any mage, no matter how accomplished, is going to have a hard time dealing with your whole millenia of magical research thing. He’s probably the least of your worries right now. Just give him a good feeblemind or something and that’ll be that.
His familiar is pretty cool though. Swell guy.
If there’s anybody I hate more than Kham Tsenkyo in this little report of mine, it’s this Nyrik prick. Second chances, rainbows, and bunnies galore. Just keep him away from me, he’d probably try to make me atone for my sins or something. It’d be really annoying.
This Nyrik, he’s another problem. This here’s a man who’s made a career out of kicking evil’s collective ass. Andronikos is proof enough of that, and Hannibal, and pretty much every other thing this guy has smited into the ground. Now, I know that you’re sensitive about your alignment, but you’ve got to know that you detect as evil now. Heck, you’ve got friends like me, and that’s proof enough. Bottom line, watch out for him.
I’d recommend getting him assassinated by Aysu if he becomes more of a threat. She’s still stubbornly neutral and all that, unless she’s taken a plunge recently. That neutral broad and two swords in Nyrik’s chest ought to be enough to shut him up.
Elowyn Eberhardt, a broad who’s so Freystadtian she’s even got the whole “dt” business at the end of her own name. Now she may not seem like she’s really worthy of your attention. I mean, her whole bit is her skill with that fancy sword, and it’s just another Kham scenario. How is she going to best you, with your thousands of years of expertise?
What makes Elowyn interesting though, is that, far as I can tell, she downright hates the rest of her squad. You may have noticed that those adventurers are pretty far and away from what you’d expect from Freystadt, and miss Eberhardt is as Freystadt as you can get. Yeah, doesn’t mix well.
So I propose, we use this against them. Use that monstrous machine they call a bureaucracy to get her on our side. With enough official papers or orders from the right places, she could be our mole, assassin, personal entertainment, whatever the heck we wanted, yeah? Think about it, and I’ll make it happen.
Reginald Thornebottom. I can’t find anything on Reginald Thornebottom. He isn’t in the records, nobody knows that name, and heck, Thornebottom? Who does he think he’s kidding with a name like that? The way I see it though, that doesn’t matter too much.
We saw him fighting those lumberjack twits, and then Hannibal after that, among other things, and, just like Elowyn, it’s the skill at arms thing. Nobody who just focuses on a weapon is going to really threaten you, and we can’t find any information on it, so why worry?
I like his hair though. Unique. It’s a wonder they let him get away with that in the military.
So there you have it, little nifty dossiers on all your most fearsome enemies. I know I’m supposed to be working on that Saran country up North, but I couldn’t help myself, these guys are just a total hoot.
Things are going to get interesting from here, so I’ll be in touch. I talked to the Princess the other day, and let me tell you, she is excited to get started. The whole converting and saving people bit is kind of scary though, even to me. I pity the poor sods she gets her hands on.
This should be the last report, other than Endovelicus. Can he even write? I bet he’s going to try. Don’t judge him too harshly, he means well. Who am I kidding? He’s got horrible horrible intentions. That’s what I like about him. Stand-up guy. I’ll stop rambling and let you get back to the whole Tyrant business now. You know where to find me if you need me.