Heya Bingyamen, how are you doing! I’m doing great! Things are going awesome for me and I wish you could see it! I tried to find you after we completed our mission, but I guess you went home already? So, anyway, I decided to write you a letter, but it turns out I write way too small for big people, so I’m dictating this to a maid at this inn we’re staying at. So weird I found a maid who can write, huh? Oh, she’s glaring at me.
So we went to this dungeon to get some kind of thing, I can’t remember what kind of thing exactly but it was really old. We met a bunch of really greasy type people and also we fought a man of worms, but that’s besides the point, we got two new guys to join my brigade!
That’s what I’m calling it now, by the way. My unit is called the Unicorn Brigade! Because the deadliest part of the unicorn is its smallest and most beautiful part, the horn, and that’s me, right in front! Cool, right? I mean, I haven’t told the team yet but they’ll fall in line once I explain the metaphor like that.
So, we got these two guys, and one’s a paladin, and the other, um, he’s, like, uh, a magic guy. You know, with, like, all the blasty spells? But he also summons monsters, but not SCARY monsters. Well anyway their names are Nyrich and Commsenko, and they’re totally righteous! Nyrich even saved me a bunch of times in the dungeon when Mushowshi kept trying to kill me. Oh, did I tell you I saw him? He’s way evil and he joined the bad guys. Totally gotta kill him before he kills me.
So yeah, I was like “Hey Nyrich, I’m ALL about the paladins, how about you quit your job and join Freystadt?” I forgot to tell you, this guy was working for some guy named Cal the Dope, that’s why they were in the dungeon. And anyway Nyrich is like, “Oh, I shall join your cause, but I will go nowhere without my love.” And I was like, “Well, you can bring him too, I guess.” So they joined the Unicorn Brigade! But they’re the lowest ranking members. Even behind Gillburt!
So we’re heading back to Freystadt and we come to this bridge, and there’s like, um, big fat blobby guys, they all look alike to me, Orcs or Ogres or Ogrillons or whatever, point is, they asked us for money to cross the bridge. I forgot to tell you, there was a bridge. And I’m like, “Haha, we don’t need your dumb bridge,” but Ruin was all like “Um captain, we do actually,” and I’m like, shit. So we attacked them, but one fell on Obsidian and hurt him really bad, and I spent the whole fight healing him, it was awful. But we killed them, because psh, what else was gonna happen?
So then Nyrich sees this holy symbol of Ayamiddy and he’s all like “Whoa, that’s my symbol, we gotta check it out,” so I’m like, “well, okay.” So we keep going and there’s this massive cathedral in the middle of nowhere and I’m instantly like, “psh, nuh-uh,” and I shoot sparkles at it and we figure out it’s an illusion. Then Nyrich gets angry and he’s like “RAAAUGH who is messing with my godddd” and he rushes in and there’s this pretty lady in there! But she’s a monster. She was pretty though, she had the cutest fangs, but it turned out she was a lamia? That’s like a lion, but instead of a head it has a lady. Anyway, naturally I was like “Wow, you’re incredible, you should join my brigade,” but she was like “grr, no way, because I’m a bitch.” So I shot off some sparkles and set off a huge arrow trap, and she got angry and attacked, and of course we totally killed her, but I felt sad about it. Anyway we took her stuff.
So we go home to see Alena, and I’m feeling scared because we never managed to bring back that thing she wanted. But she was like “nah it’s no big deal,” because she’s cool like that. But then she told us she’s been digging up her basement because… I don’t remember why she’s digging up her basement, it’s a weird thing to do. But there was a ghost down there, and it stole Ruin’s voice, and then we killed it. But there was also this undead girl made of stone. And we killed that too. But it hurt Ruin really bad. Then we healed her though, so whatever. Anyway, we took their stuff.
Alena was totally happy with the awesome job we did, though frankly I think she should have just not dug up her basement? At any rate she was all like, “you’re the finest military unit in Freystadt, go take a couple days of leave.” And that made my brigade happy, but I wanted to spend more time with Alena, not with my lieutenants, so I asked her if she wanted to have a sleepover. And she goes, “Okay, if you can get Gillburt to come, sure.” But she wasn’t talking about our tree-lady Gillburt, but this other guy who lives in Freystadt. So I was like, yeah! I’m totally gonna get him to come!
So then my brigade decided to go shopping, and there’s this fat guy there selling really ugly shirts, and it turned out they were cursed shirts! He put a shirt on Commsenko and it made everybody really angry at him, so he tried to take it off, but it was too tight! Luckily I used my superior brainpower to come up with a solution, and I cast Barkskin on him, and it made the shirt explode. Then the merchant tried to run away, but I chased him down, and I was gonna poke him a little with some sparks but Ruin advised me not to, and she’s my best strategist so I listened to her.
Then we kept exploring town, and we met this really pretty girl, I guess she was a cleric of Addabar, and she was waaaaay into Nyrich. I mean, she saw him and she goes “Fufufufu you and I should hit the town fufufufu,” and Nyrich is like, “um, no, I’m with my brigade, also you scare me.” I tried to tell the lady that she could spend the night with me if Nyrich was too shy to go with her, but everybody talked over me. Anyway I guess it was okay, because Commsenko said “No run away it’s a terrible demon,” and, yeah, she was, it turned out. But I think it was mostly that Commsenko was jealous.
So after we got that out of the way, we found Gillburt’s house, and I knocked on the door, but it was actually his roommate that answered it, Bainhamer. He let us all in though and he was really nice, though he didn’t seem to like Alena for some reason. (Actually, a lot of people don’t, and that still doesn’t make any sense to me, because Alena is so cool? Are people not seeing how pretty and poised and smart and good-smelling she is?) Anyway, this is the best part, though. He told me he went to skool with Gillburt, and at first I was like “Haha what the heck is skool,” but then he said “That’s when you’re a kid and old ladies are mean to you.” And then I HAD A MEMORY!! I totally DID go to school once! I remember those scary old ladies! I don’t remember where it was, though, so not much help.
But then Gillburt finally came home, and he was really nice, and gave us all scones. He said I was even cuter than he expected~! And he also said he was sure Alena liked me, because Alena likes cute things, and I mean, that’s me! So I was really happy! I told him he should come with me to Alena’s house and have a sleepover, but he was uncertain about it (I don’t know how you don’t immediately agree to spend time with two pretty girls and a bunch of chocolate and marshmallows but I guess he has obligations or something). I really thought he’d come around, though!
Anyway, Gillburt works at the vault, so we decided to check out the vault. I think Ruin was trying to find something out? I think she was looking up an elf she knew or something. But there were so many records, I got excited, and I tried to find my records. But the librarian said the records were only available to high-ranking people, so I go, “Well, I’m a captain,” and they said that wasn’t good enough, even though they’re MY records! They won’t let me read my own stuff! So I was pretty unhappy, but I knew Alena would be able to get me in if I asked her.
We went back to Alena and I asked her for help opening the vault, but she said she’d only help me if I agreed to help her. She wanted us to go to the Groonwall and mediate a dispute her friend was having with these other fey. I’m super fey, I mean, I’m really really fey, everybody knows that, but actually I really don’t know anything about the Groonwall. I’m from the Blightmoor, and that’s where all the swamp fey live, but the Groonwall is more of a forest. It’s a lot greener and there’s no tar pits. But I was really excited to meet these fey, because I never really get a chance to meet any since I left the swamp.
Well, as soon as we headed down there, we met these giant shambling mounds, and one of them was eating a poor doggy, so of course we attacked, but it got really messy when I tried to electrocute it and it got really fast. Ruin was all like “I TOLD you not to use sparks!” but I was like “I didn’t hear you!” Anyway, it ate the poor doggy, and almost ate Obsidian before we killed them both dead. The mounds I mean.
Then we ran into these three hags, and of course I got excited, because I was made by hags, and so was Alena! These were forest hags, of course, not swamp hags, so not that interesting, which was good, because we had to kill them. They weren’t really that strong, but they made some members of our brigade look like hags too, so it was impossible to figure out who to fight until Ruin finally killed one and all their tricks went away. Well, except for Commsenko, who got turned into Obsidian’s brother! He was an adorable magic fox and it wasn’t an illusion. Even after we killed the hags and took their stuff, he was stuck that way! I was so happy for him. I think Obsidian was happy too.
Anyway we got to the edge of the Groonwall and there was this big tower, so we knocked on the door and this really really old guy answered the door. I guess he was Suspeerya’s butler? Suspeerya was Alena’s friend we were looking for, by the way. So he takes us to her, and she turns out to be this really beautiful blonde woman, just great! She was a little shorter than Ruin, so still pretty big, too. Anyway I just thought she was human. She was totally sexing that satyr, though, it was really obvious. (Oh, there was a satyr there too.) Anyway she told us she wanted to build an observatory to grow poisons, and the field fey wouldn’t let her. But I was like, psh, easy breezy, diplomacy is my middle name.
So I float out to the field, and all of a sudden all these animals turn into beautiful field nymphs called Bladdoowids. It’s weird, ever since you went home, we’ve been running into more and more beautiful women. There was also a tiefling woman you would have liked, but she got eaten, long story but totally not my fault.
So the bladdoowids say to come meet their queen, and I was excited because I thought the queen might be a sidhe like me. But then they said “Nah, but Suspeerya totally is.” And I’m like WHAT? How is that possible? I mean, you should have seen her, she’s way bigger than a sidhe and she’s not purple and doesn’t have wings or horns or anything? But they didn’t explain which really annoyed me. Anyway, the queen’s like, “We hate Suspeerya, and she wants to grow poisons to kill humans, so we hate that too. But we find your two humans really handsome, so we’ll let her have what she wants if they give us babies.”
Anyway so they went off to sleep with the bladdoowids, and I tried to spy on them because they really didn’t give me anything else to do. But afterwards everybody was satisfied so the Queen was like “Okay thanks, we’ll let Suspeerya have her stupid garden.” All in all, it was super easy.
So I go back to Suspeerya, and she goes, “oh, great, you guys are the best.” And we’re about to go home, but of course I want to know what’s this about her being a sidhe. But she said, “oh, the Queen lied to you.” I thought that was a really weird thing to lie about, but she wouldn’t tell me anything more, so I went home feeling a bit cranky.
Then we went back to Alena’s house, and I asked her about Suspeerya being a sidhe, and she was like “Oh, she’s a special kind of sidhe,” and of course I got jealous, because the way she said it, it sounds like Suspeerya gets to have sleepovers with Alena even though I don’t. But she said “No, you’re special too, but Suspeerya is different.” Yeah, I mean, I don’t know, I just want to know what her whole deal is.
But then she says to the Brigade, sorry, we can’t have fun yet, I need you to go to Fort Mullrose. And of course I’ve totally been to Fort Mullrose, that’s where the commander gave me the orders to come to you, so I was like, sure, that sounds good! I guess she wants us to do something with the Blightmoor, which is interesting, because that’s kind of my hometown, you know? Anyway, tomorrow we’re supposed to meet this lady, Karen something, and we’re all headed off together to save the day! I don’t know from what, maybe you can meet us there and we’ll find it together?
Hugs and Kisses,
Captain Hanna Köhler, Commander, Unicorn Brigade, Freystadt Army